Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
