my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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