I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
