just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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