I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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