who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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