tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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