We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
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