So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
