the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
