I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
