when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize