so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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