I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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