so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
