I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
