i just wanna soil my oats bro
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
