Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
