So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
