Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
