i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Randomize
