she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
