its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
