Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
