Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
