You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
