I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
