I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
