the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
