Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize