I accidentally had phone sex last night
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
