I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
