I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
