i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
