now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Even my vagina gasped.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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