the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
