How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
