I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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