I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
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