omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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