Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
