did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
