It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
