i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
