Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
