I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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