dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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