Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
