singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
