my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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