Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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