I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
