i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
