I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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