Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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