You can't motorboat a personality
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
