Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
