i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
