I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
