I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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