they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
